Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’m not proud
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
rise and shine we got egg
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
What a website
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
PLOT TWIST:
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.