*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.