Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.