Coke Zero

Pepsi One

Well played Pepsi.

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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.


*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*


Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.


Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.


If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.


LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied


Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.


JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”


me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂


It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.