Coke Zero

Pepsi One

Well played Pepsi.

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Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this


[last meal on death row]



“Say when”

*winks to camera*


M: I have what they call animal magnetism.

H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?

M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*


My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”


Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.


BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it


Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.


Sober in an Uber: Please don’t talk to me. I don’t know you.

Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls


I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it


Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will