@aryuserius

Coke Zero

Pepsi One

Well played Pepsi.

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@LostFelicia

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

@iwearaonesie

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

@BadJordon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

@JustinGuarini

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

@Parentpains

If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.

@KarenKilgariff

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@KrangTNelson

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

@verysadgamer

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

@envydatropic

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.