“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.