a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed