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@Home_Halfway: Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond.
@wickedsuga: *buys extra movie ticket seat so I'll have a place to put my microwave bc I'll be damned if I'm paying that much for popcorn
@dksqbishop: Her: You’re drunk, again
Me, stumbling into bed: How can you tell?
Her: You live next door
@JustHadOneJob: Meanwhile in Ireland.
@JohnLyonTweets: *holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
@fishbowel: Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you've been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
cop: also you hit 26 cars