colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.