Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
A family that plays together cheats.
Awwwww shit.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Maths meets science
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here