@Ndeshi_M

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

@T_N_Crumpets

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

@SaraThomas84

It’s all fun and games until you’re sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

@TheKenyan_

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.

@parkersJoking

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@BunAndLeggings

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

@Gooooats

*standing by the turntables at the club*

Her: are you the dj?

Me: wha?… Oh, no, I was hoping this was a crepe station

@jergarl

Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.