Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should