Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
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The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Damn he played himself
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme