Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
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Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?