@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

- @Fickle_Filly

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@CornOnTheGoblin

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

@JediGigi

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

@InternetHippo

Now that everyone is against Facebook I’m smugly telling everyone that I deleted mine 5 years ago because I saw this coming and not b/c I had no friends

@PaperWash

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

@BadMikeyBad

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

@Birdhumms

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

@itchyturtle

Umm, your honour? In my defence, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.

@OuterJohn

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.