@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

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@ozzyunc

I blame the 80s for making me want to transform into a truck instead of a better person.

@JayaNaJaye

Told my mom about my past relationship and then told her not to tell my dad. She told my dad and then told him not to tell me. My dad called me and told me that he knows and told me not to tell my mom. So basically 3 of us know but can’t tell each other.

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@MicroSFF

“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“But why?”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”

@momjeansplease

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

@karatechopmonk

I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn’t like it

@Book_Krazy

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

@Alex_Houseof308

You: *Rushes to NIMC office. *Queues for 10 days* *Gets NIN* *Reactivates sim*

Whatsapp: One unread message

Crush: I think I’m in love with your friend, Mark