I blame the 80s for making me want to transform into a truck instead of a better person.
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
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Told my mom about my past relationship and then told her not to tell my dad. She told my dad and then told him not to tell me. My dad called me and told me that he knows and told me not to tell my mom. So basically 3 of us know but can’t tell each other.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn’t like it
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*
[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You: *Rushes to NIMC office. *Queues for 10 days* *Gets NIN* *Reactivates sim*
Whatsapp: One unread message
Crush: I think I’m in love with your friend, Mark