[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
You Might Also Like
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Saturday
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
How to draw a duck
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.