The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
College graduates, did you know there are people that went to Princeton that can’t find a job? And you just went to a normal shitty school.
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Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?
ME: hey baby
ME: *looks closer*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again
me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent