Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Single and childfree like Jesus
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do