@GaryJanetti

College graduates, did you know there are people that went to Princeton that can’t find a job? And you just went to a normal shitty school.

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@IvoryGazelle

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

@usermcuserface

Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@trojansauce

ME: hey baby

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME: *looks closer*

HOT GRILL:

ME: oh

@chrisdowning

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

@thenatewolf

Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.

@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

@jonnysun

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again

me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road

@InternetHippo

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

@BuckyIsotope

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

@SortaBad

A $7 voucher at the airport is like having 100 skeeball tickets at Chuck E Cheese: it sounds good on paper but won’t get you anything decent