College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

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I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.


I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.


Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.


I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.


I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.


ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth


[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.


Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.


I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!