College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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*feels the wind in my toe hair
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
The days of good grammer has went
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Otters see a butterfly.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Cause of death: Zumba
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.