@goldengateblond

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

You Might Also Like

@Jake_Vig

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

@Contwixt

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

@ValeeGrrl

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@HomeWithPeanut

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

@theguywitheyes

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

@zaktoscani

Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

@skedaddle74

I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!