@freypalm

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

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@shellyspivey

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

@iGreenMonk

Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.

@thedad

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

@vikkaroni

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

@ArfMeasures

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

@MooseAllain

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@ddsmidt

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

@anerdonfire2

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

@alexlumaga

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*