“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*