College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”