College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
They did not think through this water fountain
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.