College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

You Might Also Like


ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*


I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed


“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy


Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting


ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.


“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies


Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.


when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”