@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

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@portmanteauface

I wink at myself in the mirror and say “you got this” as I straighten my tie, pull on my suit jacket, and head down to the washing machine with a hamper overflowing with pajama pants

@daemonic3

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

@mrjohndarby

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

@iwearaonesie

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

@Sarcasticsapien

Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

@TheCatWhisprer

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

@AnOrangeSNES

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato