@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

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@Pro_Jones_

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

@ItsLaTourette

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

@dyldonot

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

@truegritrumble

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@Smooheed

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

@BrattyBarbie

Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.

@azninthesun

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”