ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go
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I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Behind every successful man stands a surprised woman and behind her stands the surprised mother-in-law and behind her,your surprised Dad.
Such acute joke.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”