It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
#Caturday
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it