College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

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I wink at myself in the mirror and say “you got this” as I straighten my tie, pull on my suit jacket, and head down to the washing machine with a hamper overflowing with pajama pants


WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?


Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.


Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.


[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*


wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!


Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.


My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.


Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato