College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

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I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.


[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no


Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.


Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.


Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??


People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical


Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.


*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*


*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*


Help my knee is made of magnets