College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
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You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Them: If you say more one thing youâre going to die.
Me: And another thingâŚ
âI enjoy long walks…â
-Zombies
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Thereâs no need to use military time with me. Iâm pretty sure I wonât show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
My son đđ˝ââď¸was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” đ I told him they were water. đŚ Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Mazdaâs marketing slogan is âWe Build Mazdas.â They decided on it after rejecting others like: âMazdas Are Carsâ and âBuy Mazdas With Moneyâ
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly friesâŚplease just pay for your order
đđđđš
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” â University of Chicago
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My husband says Iâm not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Canât wait to celebrate our love with you!
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
When I was growing up, âDeadpoolâ was just what we called our neighborsâ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.