@offbeatoliv
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
@SortaBad
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
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@offbeatoliv
@Rich_McCarthy
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”
@ThePocketJustin
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
@Calliejacobson
Boss: Why are you late?
Me: Why are you so obsessed with me?
@michaelianblack
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
@LMaretta
6, that’s SIX, people emailed everyone at work with the SAME information which has resulted in 48 replies and now I wanna quit my job.
@TheUnfitFather
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
@GABBYdaAngSaya
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
@ManJuggs
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
@RandomRamblr
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?