@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

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@gobmentcheese

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

@Bob_Heller

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

@Bob_Janke

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

@mattZillaaaa

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

@BreadFoster

I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.

@wolfmannjr

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

@internetluke

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

@Maddy_ubert

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

@Mr_Kapowski

Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake