@PlagueLovers My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
@SortaBad College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
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@PlagueLovers 
@ojedge Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
@Fred_Delicious Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
@_Mo_lee_ DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
@MollySneed I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
@fro_vo Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
@LizHackett You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
@SafyHallanFarah if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die
@iGreenMonk You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”. Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.