[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]
*whiney voice* “it’s windy”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
College: lol ikr?
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body
Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body
Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me
Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
7: can I have a pop tart?
Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon
7: this will be my dinner
Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.
Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.