College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce