College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”


Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.


There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.


Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.


I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.


You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!


[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
“What do we do?”


I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”


Curling is basically yelling at your teammates to fix your mistake