@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

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@novixv

[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]

*whiney voice* “it’s windy”

@ericsshadow

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

@Ten_Toes_7

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

@hermanntrude

Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body

Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body

Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me

Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?

Head: *explodes*

@fillthevacuum

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

@relatabledad

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

@DaddyJew

7: can I have a pop tart?

Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon

7: this will be my dinner

Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one

@RickAaron

My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.

Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”

@sunexplode

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.