@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

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@PlagueLovers

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

@ojedge

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

@Fred_Delicious

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

@MollySneed

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

@fro_vo

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@SafyHallanFarah

if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die

@iGreenMonk

You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”. Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.