My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
College: lol ikr?
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Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
DTF (Down time finally)
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die
You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”. Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.