Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
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I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.
Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.
Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.