Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
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Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?
me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
A leaf blower, but for people.
a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds