Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
notice
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”