College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.

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Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.


Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?


At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.


teacher: i’m considering moving the test to next week. you guys down with that?

me (too loud): down like the dog at the end of marley & me!


Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…


[sex-ed lesson]
now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith?
“i ate my banana”


Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didnโ€™t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?


Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.


a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds