Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
being a writer on Twitter:
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
When ur friends with white people
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[eulogy]
line?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.