I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
But wait…
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.