College: Wake and Bake

Now: Woke and Broke

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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!


Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*


My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.


Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?


First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”