[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
College: Wake and Bake
Now: Woke and Broke
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
The amount of times I’ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.