@jamdugg

College: Wake and Bake

Now: Woke and Broke

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@ByYourLogic

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

@karencheee

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

@EvansTed101

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@StupiDucker

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@BuckyIsotope

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

@Rlpihl

First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”