College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”