@chaselyons

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

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@Lisabug74

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

@cableknitjumper

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

@Smethanie

Baby, let’s stay up all night and watch people Instagram the sunrise.

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@CptBombs75

Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves

@bobvulfov

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

@hughlaurie

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

@1Bad_Scientist

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

@CMFC99

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?