colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
You Might Also Like
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom