If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Mornin
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD