@juliussharpe

Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.

You Might Also Like

@TheWinegasm

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

@heyitsJudeD

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

@BlackCatBettie

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

@mom_ontherocks

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

@david8hughes

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

@copymama

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

@rebrafsim

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

@El_nacho_Nigre

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

@Jamie1947

*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.

@FranksGrapjes

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.