Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.

You Might Also Like


You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.


Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school


I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.


My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person


Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby


My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.


Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking


Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.


*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*


1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.