You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
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Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
*talking into the phone, loudly enough
that I know those ladies can hear me*
WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA.
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.