Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?