*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
🦝🔥🦝🔥
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.