@Holy_Mowgli

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

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@ComedicBust

[Commercial]

“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”

Me: YES

“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”

Me: [heavy sigh]

@DepressedDarth

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music

@Dschnoeb

A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.

@EwdatsGROSS

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

@FreudsTwin

I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

@BackrowSeats

If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.

@LlamaInaTux

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

@EJGomez

*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR

@WetMascara

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.