“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”
“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”
Me: [heavy sigh]
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music
A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?
If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Wow Mother Nature really just sent the entire human race to their rooms