@Holy_Mowgli

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

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@Freudstombstone

Sorry I missed your funeral, but in my defense, you’re not coming to mine.

@mynameisntdave

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

@TheScamJoanne

*two minor inconveniences happen at the same time*

me: *needs to lie down for 3 days*

@ThoughtOtter

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

@KeetPotato

hey look!

*picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement*

how cool is thi ew why is it wet?

“dude, that’s a condom”

@Mom_Overboard

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

@RyanAndrewMitch

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

@impaulmccoy

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

@bridger_w

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost