Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
You Might Also Like
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Bring back the McRib
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.