Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
decorating my apartment
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
This is so me 😂😂
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off