Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.