COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My favorite farside!!
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Me driving through Toronto
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.