COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
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[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*praying for world peace*
God:
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road