“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
sigh
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope