How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
spicy snake
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
🤣🤣🤣
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.