Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
🤣😈🤣
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣