Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.