@EndhooS

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

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@clindsaysway

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

@Jandalize

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@farouq_yahaya

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

@jamdugg

How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

@AthenaMystique

Canadians have to stick together.

Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.

@PickleRudd

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

@LeahsLounge

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

@ObscureGent

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure