Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Friday
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy