@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

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@drayzze

I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping

So if we ran into other bears, he’d be like “It’s cool, man, he’s with me.”

@caseytduncan

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

@Dutch_50

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@MomofTeen

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

@prodigalsam

“Oh great. Another puppy.” – Sarah McLachlan’s friends at Christmas

@christinaloca

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

@Daniel_Sugarman

Son: “Dad, why is my sister called Gareth Southgate?”

Me: “Well, when you & your sister were born, we decided your sister would be named for something your Mum loved & you’d be named for something I loved.”

Son: “Ah ok. Thanks Dad.”

Me: “You’re welcome, Also Gareth Southgate.”

@1fragmentedmind

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

@juliussharpe

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”

@CroweJam

The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.