-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late