“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
happy friday
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Hit me in the face with a bird
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature