@Tommytoughstuff

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

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@AndreTheViking

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •


@fro_vo

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

@Andee_Stewart

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

@markleggett

Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@fightforfood

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

@FrazzleMyGimp

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

@_Tempo11

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

@VanGobot

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly