Got carded for wine!
Because half my face was covered
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
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Pretty sure the NFL would expand their fan base if a player’s helmet changed colors like a mood ring
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
M: Can you tell me why?
god: why should i let u into heaven
me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin
me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-
god: ok i get it
“What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?