Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

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Got carded for wine!
Because half my face was covered


Pretty sure the NFL would expand their fan base if a player’s helmet changed colors like a mood ring


*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?


god: why should i let u into heaven

me: for starters i didn’t invent heroin

god: what

me: i also didn’t invent wars, racism, poverty, cance-

god: ok i get it

me: mosquitoes


“What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”


Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out


Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”


Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.


Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”


Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?