Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
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Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die