@EmissaryKerry

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

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@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

@cm_rutvik

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

@jazmasta

“David you’re late again!”
“Sorry boss..”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]
“…traffic”

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

@nottheworstmom

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

@DothTheDoth

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

@itchyturtle

Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.

@YoungNobler

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate