Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.


Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.


“David you’re late again!”
“Sorry boss..”
[cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer]


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.


My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.


To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”


Rent boat. Go out to sea. Find sperm whale. Tell him he’s called sperm whale. Console sperm whale. Have fun with new whale best friend.


Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate