‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Meow