@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

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@briancthayer

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

@VerifiedDrunk

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

@natalayhehoo

My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge

@Jamberee13

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

@robotrowboat

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

@mommajessiec

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

@toomanycommas3

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

@markydoodoo

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

@DillDoes

[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
“okay”
made out of jello
“alright”
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”