@briancthayer [at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
@50NerdsofGrey ‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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@briancthayer 
@VerifiedDrunk Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
@natalayhehoo My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge
@Jamberee13 Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
@robotrowboat [death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
@mommajessiec *opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
@toomanycommas3 Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
@markydoodoo *swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
@DillDoes [god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
“okay”
made out of jello
“alright”
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”