@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

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@thereal_becca

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

@AlbertBrooks

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

@YourMomsucksTho

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

@Staggfilms

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed

@70Ceeks

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

@rad_milk

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied