‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf