I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.
Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.
But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
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police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to
Go ahead. Have kids
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: can I borrow $20?
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.