“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Woke up against my better judgement again
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.