Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Happy Friday
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
an airline just for babies.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no